Her family was not super keen on it and rather not be at home to see the dog. She has always adjusted to what other people want, but she really needed this. It’s a delicate balance, to reach an agreement with people, especially when it is family. Her daughter wanted to be away when Lupa got euthanized and her son found it too difficult as well.

As we agreed to it, I felt myself regretting the offer, I am afraid of people, afraid to fail, and I fear saying and doing the wrong things. I almost couldn’t do it, I felt too tired. But I told myself to be brave.

As I arrived at the trainstation for her to pick me up with my bag of flowers, I discovered trees shedding their pinecones. As I picked them up I witnessed myself feeling less fear for the looks I was being given.

I stepped into her car and she told me she felt numb, we shared eachothers experiences of losing our dogs, and walking into her garden, looking at Lupa laying there with a candle burning beside her, I felt a familiar feeling.

Her daughter ended up being there when Lupa got euthanized and held her in her arms, which was so brave of her, and when I visited, she said hi briefly and went to her room again.

When she let me do my thing and arrange the flowers, I felt the layers of my fear slowly shed off of me. I allowed myself to breathe.

As I finished the arrangement, she cried and walked up to me to thank me, for how beautiful it was, and saying how special I was for her. I told her I was thankful too, and that she felt special to me, for only special people in my life allow me to do such a thing.

It was beautiful to watch the flies eventually cover all of her face, we watched it together for a long time with her husband, I thought it was beautiful, all the green shimmers covering her eyes, how fast they sense death, you can try to chase them off for as much as you like, and hold onto what once was, but you can’t stop the natural cycles.

After I left, she messaged me to say I also influenced her daughter. A girl who didn’t want to know or see anything about death, is now burying her own dog and using the flowers to arrange in her grave again.

Everyone struggles with their fears, but I witnessed so much bravery in everyone, for her to choose what she needs, for her daughter to witness death with love, even when it hurts, and for me, to show up and allow myself to be me.

Goodbye dear Lupa,

I may not have met you when you were wagging your tail, but you still have taught me so much about life. That the ripples that I cast matter, to walk through life with an open heart, that life can be painful, like walking through the bushes with thorns and nettles, to reach the other side, it will tear your clothes and give rashes on your skin, but it gets easier, the path becomes clearer the more you walk through it every day.